Funny Stuff

Found some funny stuff on my mail. check it out.

Beer and laughter

Beer and laughing are the two things that primarily make me happy. On the secondary list are

a. Pamela Anderson
b. Critically acclaimed Oscar winning movies like 'Hot Teen Party' and 'Hawas ka shikari'
c. 6th of every month (the day I walk out of the accountant's cabin in my office with a smile on my face...and a cheque in my hand)

BUt today I am going to talk about one of the primary things i.e laughter. Laughter, as per my observation, is not all that common among everybody, contrary to popular perceptions . And when I say this, I am not including Aanchal from my office who
laughs like a hyena on drugs on the most inane of jokes. In fact, I think, she might even laugh at the semi-colons in a joke. She has a great career in the television industry. How???..u ask??. She could be very successful in giving background laughter in any of the so called 'comedy serials' on TV like 'Hum Paanch' in which the 'laughter artists' who have gone into depression watching it, have to be ordered to laugh at gunpoint. Aanchal's laugher can be heard miles away and she won't quit laughing until somebody calls the security gaurds, who shoot her with tranquiliser darts to quiten her. When I see her laughing, I think of people who have forgotten the art of laughing and why Aanchal is not sent to the asylum for 'compulsive laughing disorder'

On the contrary, One guy who I haven't ever seen laughing is 'AK Hangal' who holds the world-record for playing the role of 'Ramu Kaka' in the maximum number of movies. He can generally be seen saying things like 'aaj khane mein kya banau, memsaab' or 'duniya ek kaato bhara rasta hai..beti' in any of his 'Ramu kaka' movies. He is joined by many amongst us, who can't laugh to save their lives (BTW..I can't think of a situation where you have to laugh to save your life ...except the 'laughter artists' at Hum Paanch). I keep wondering why it's so difficult for people to appreciate a good joke and laugh...which is a weird thing to wonder about and indicates that I have nothing much to do in life.

As per my observation (I observe a lot), people in India are not mature enough when it comes to humour. They find shakti Kapoor in his 'banian' and striped 'chaddi' saying "aau" very funny. I mean, what's funny about that? I would rather watch a programme on 'Rural agricultural development' on DD1 than watch something like that. Now, I know what you are thinking...what is DD1?? well...DD1 is an ancient TV channel started by the 'babus' in the government wearing safari suits. In fact, DD1 is used for a wide range of purposes like treating insomnia patients and torturing the most hardcore of criminals at Tihar jail.

jail warden: "batao khoon kisne kiya??"

criminal: "mujhe nahi pata saab...mein sach bol raha hoon"

"accha?..hawaldar!!....zara DD1 per 'krishi udyoug' chalu karo"

"nahiiii....krishi udyog nahi!!!...mein sab sach sach batata hoon"


Comming back to the topic of laughing, girls in my school and college were very good at it. In fact, they were so good, they didn't need a reason to laugh. Divya and Sneha, the hottest chicks in my junior college class, used to always wander together(like a pack of hyenas..har) and used to giggle whenever I even looked at them. This made me quite nervous as you can understand (if you are a guy). One day, I finally built up all the courage I had (which is not much) and approached them to introduce myself and maybe go with them to the college canteen.

them : "(seeing me approach them) giggle...giggle..snigger..snigger"

me : "(shitting bricks)..eh..hi...I am..eh..Gautam"

them : "giggle...giggle..snigger..snigger"

me : " (more bricks)..could you...eh...u know...like..."

them : "hee..hee...hee"

me : "u know..eh...lend me your economics notes (phew!!) "

one of them : "giggle..giggle..whose economic notes do you want?...giggle..giggle"

me : "um...anybdysntsisokwthme"

them : "giggle..giggle"

that was supposed to be :- anybody's notes is ok with me.

Well that was the last time I ever apporached them and till a week after the incident I used to have nightmares which mainly consisted of....."giggle..giggle...giggle".

Well, that, I think, concludes my post. I hate to cut it short like this but I have to catch up on my favorite TV serial - "krishi udyog" on DD1.

Bye for now and happy new year to verybody :-)

Silicon and 'silly cones'

A few days back, in the newspapers, I read about a new technological invention by the Japanese (Japanese, of course...who else does invention these days). This technology enables you to transfer data with just a physical contact between two persons (physical contact can be a handshake also...you pervert). Before you ask me if I am drunk...let me clearly tell you. yes...I am. But, that doesn't mean I am making up stories like my friend Satya, who can tell you endless stories about ghosts with white saris and Old women (ghosts) who can run as fast as your car.

This technological invention that I am talking about passes binary data through a low voltage electric pulse through your body and to the body of the person in contact with you. Both the persons have individual devices in contact with their skin which sends and receives data using the human body as a medium. This piece of news got me thinking how fast the world (Japanese…to be specific) is moving and the awesome technological progress I am going to see in the next few years.

Another thought that hit me was that, there were so many things that I used to see on TV, which were quite imaginative in those times, but now a definite reality. For example, me and my friends in a small town in the interiors of Karnataka, use to make 'communication devices' by attaching two matchboxes with a rubber band and pretend to 'speak' to each other using those 'devices'. In those times cell phones weren't invented, and these devices we had were inspired by hi-tech 'Ajit'(sara shahar mujhe loin ke naam se janta hai) movies where Ajit would be in a 'control room' surrounded by many blinking red lights and 'Ajit ka aadmi' would be on a dock or seashore speaking on his cellphone-like-device. The conversation would go like this

Ajit ka aadmi : 'Hello...Hello..control room....come in..control room. This is alpha beta 777'

Control room : 'come in alpha beta 777'

Ajit ka aadmi: 'boss...police ne hamara maal pakad liya hai...America se joh daimonds ka consignment aaya tha...woh pura pakda gaya hai"

control room : 'bewakoof...tum pakde kaise gaye????...hamare dhande mein galti ki saza kya hoti hai...jaante ho?'

Ajit ka aadmi : 'sorry boss..agli bar aisa nahi hoga...please mujhe police se chuda lo...'

Control room : (wicked laugh)'hahahaha....woh to tum chuut hi jaaoge'

Ajit ka aadmi: 'thank you..boss...thank you very much'

(long silence)

ajit ka aadmi : 'boss???'

ajit ka aadmi : 'hello..boss..hello...hello..control room...hello..hello..control room'

Ajit : (disconnecting the device) "Raaabert...isse pehle ki woh police ko kuch bataye..use hamesha ki neend sula do"

Raaaabert : 'yes boss'

well, these were very 'sophisticated' equipment we were seeing on TV and were naturally impressed. And a few years after we stopped playing those games, came the cellphone in all its splendor. Now, thanks to the Ambani brothers and their 'Pitaji ka sapna', cellphones are a very common gadget used by everybody and their mother.

Another concept I always used to imagine about was...being invisible. Then, it seemed an impossible feat to achieve and hence so interesting to us kids. But the Japanese (who else??) have again done the impossible (actually, a few years ago). They created a suit which had thousands of tiny cameras in the back and as many 'tiny displays' in the front. Whatever image those cameras captured in the back were displayed in the front, effectively, enabling you to see whatever was behind the man in the suit. This made all the body parts covered by the suit... invisible!!!!. Simple...isn't it???. Trust the Japanese to come up with something like this.

Computers and the internet, which I think are the best things to happen to man in this century(after Smirnoff Vodka and Pamela Anderson), have also revolutionized the world and the way it works. kids, these days use computers to do their homework and the internet to check out porn when their parents are not at home. It's a far cry from those days, when, my grandfather thought Silicon was another brand of ice cream. You know...'Crazy Vanilla cups' and 'Silly cones'. Now, I can't imagine my life without computers and the internet.

I consider myself and the people of my generation very lucky to be born in this period of time where we are seeing technological development and progress like never before. God knows what else is going to be invented by the time we are old hags with grandchildren. The thought itself sends shivers down my spine.

Another thought in my mind: 'Do things we see in the movies today (like The Matrix), someday be for real?'. Can we be quicker than bullets shot from a gun and evade them? Can we be attached to computers and actually enter a simulated environment in our minds and fight with somebody. I guess we can...considering the fact that whatever we had seen in movies 10-15 years ago is quite possible today.

But I think I should check it with the Japanese to be sure.

Hi-Grow ka height Increaser

I presume that all of you reading this post haven't ever heard of this product called 'Hi-Grow ka Height Increaser', Unless you are one of those late-night TV channel surfers who are waiting for movies like 'Kamini ki Jawani' or 'Hot Summer Nights' to be played on the local cablewallah's channel. For the uninitiated, Hi-Grow ka height Increaser is a product which, as incessantly advertised on many channels after midnight, helps increases your height, helps you in your career, and also in your marital life. Exciting!!! isn't it???. I just wet my pants thinking about it.

The AD begins with a girl who looks like a bar-dancer wearing an Air-hostess uniform.

"Mein ek air-hostess banna chahti thi...lekin mere height ke wajah se mujhe reject kar diya gaya. But, thanks to Hi-Grow ka height increaser ab mein apna sapna pura kar sakti hoon"(wide ear-to-ear smile by the bar dancer-turned-airhostess and a video of an airplane taking off in the background)

Chorus of female voices crooning "Hi-grow ka height increaserrrrrrrrr"

Cut to a man in an army uniform who looks like the tapori you always see sitting at the 'chai ki tapri' near your home and leering at girls.
"Mere pitaji army mein 'kernel' hain...aur mera bhai bhi army mein hai...sirf mujhe reject kar diya gaya...mere height ki wajah se...but thanks to Hi-Grow ka height increaser ab mein mere pitaji aur bhai ka sapna pura kar raha hoon"

(By this time, I am so hooked on to the AD that I forget about 'Kamini ki Jawani' and 'Hot summer nights' and keep staring at the TV like a zombie.)

And for the skeptical viewers...out comes a 'dactarr' who tries to explain the whole concept with the help of some impressing terminology like 'farrmulaa' and 'harrrmones'. He tries to convince you that increasing your height is actually possible and 'Hi-grow ka height increaser' is not an attempt at conning the unsuspecting viewer, which it actually is.

By now, I am already planning on things I can do when I become 6 feet tall. I could pluck fruits from tall trees like giraffes...hold the handrail on top in the local trains...not have to have armpits, which smell like a skunk's ass, thrust into my face at rush hours in the trains....the possibilities are endless. At the same time, I am also wondering what would happen to people who are already over 6 feet high, when they start using 'Hi-grow ka height increaser'?. Would they turn into genetically modified monsters??(e.g. Dara Singh and Arnold Schwazzeneger)

And with these deep and intriguing thoughts I move on to the next channel where I come across another AD of a brilliant product(Wow!!!...it's my lucky day ... er... night).

'WHITE ROSE ENERGY CAPSULES---sukhi vivahit jeevan ke liye'.

Viewers should not confuse this product with any other energy product like glocose or Dabur Chawanprash. This capsule gives you energy for a very different kind of activity. My friend Venugopal had, in his childhood, once chanced upon a box of similar capsules in his father's closet, and when told that it was for strength and energy, had insisted on having one everyday before going out to play with his friends. For many years he did not find out what the capsule was for until he grew up to the age when he started reading magazines like 'Foxy Lady'(with 4 page colour poster).

Anyways, the AD shows a middle-aged couple, in bed, each sleeping in their respective corners and their backs to each other. Now as you contemplate this sorry picture, a lightning kinda thing flashes between them indicating the divide between the married couple (How imaginative!!). As you start feeling sorry fo the couple onscreen, a pack of 'White rose energy capsules' zooms onto the screen and goes and drops between the couple. The couple, then, wake up and turn towards each other. They have dreamy expressions in their eyes like Venugopal when he used to read 'Foxy Lady'. They come closer. And...when you think you are going to see something, which you generally see in movies like 'Kamini ki Jawani', the screen fills with two roses
(white..of course...brand consistency...u know) moving to and fro from each other, as seen in hundreds of Rajesh Khanna movies. And all this because of 'White rose energy capsule'. Isn't it cool? Isn't it exciting??? I just wet my pants thinking about it (for the second time)

Ok...think I have written enough for today. If you have seen a brilliant AD like the ones I have written about (you lucky bastard) please let me know. Leave a comment about it. In the meanwhile I will get back to watching 'Kamini ki Jawani' and 'Hot summer nights'.

Bye :-)

Trade Talk

Before I get to the topic, I would like thank all of you who have visited my blog and left comments. Encourages me to write more, u know. When I started writing this blog, I thought I would be the only one to read it and would probably have to pay anybody else to read it, but looks like that's not the case.

Trade Talk

Overheard in a bar
"Can that module be replaced with a applet and uploaded on the primary server which does not host the SQL database so that we have a client server connection in realtime"

"No, we can't do that, the DNS server is behind a firewall and a direct connection cannot be established. Waiter...aur ek Old Monk ka quarter do"

I, being a programmer myself, always keep overhearing conversations like this in bars, office cafeteria, local trains etc. I always wonder what's with these programmers who just can't have enough of programmer-talk. Why can't these people behave like normal people and talk about things outside the computer. No wonder these guys are called geeks and stereotyped as guys
wearing thick glasses and peering into their computer screen.

I am sure there are more interesting things in life like ....eh....Mallika Sherawat,'Old Monk ka quarter'.

First of all, it is very difficult to have a conversation with these guys as they don't talk much. Here is a typical conversation from my office

me: "Jackie, ek extra cigarrette hai kya?"
Jackie: "hmmmmm"
me: "Ek cig. milega mujhe?"
Jackie: (suddenly waking from his stupor)"ha bol, kya hua??, file upload kiya kya??"
me: (traces of tears in my eyes) "Mujhe ek cig. dena please?"
Jackie: "Toh aise bolna cigarrette chahiye"(By this time, I've lost all desires to smoke and go back to my computer)

I keep wondering why these guys are so much into whatever they do. To their credit, I should say that these guys are very dedicated to their work and never think about anything else other than their programs and projects. I imagine, Jackie, one day, in a hurry to get to office and upload some files, would walk in in his undies and socks and say "hey guys, it's pretty cold this morning, isn't it?"

I wonder how these guys would speak to their wives or girlfriends on the phone.

Her: hiiiii...what are you doing?

Programmer: I am trying to ping our local server, but the binary data connection has been overridden by a secondary connection to the oracle database.

Her: oh..ok..Are we meeting in the evening?

Programmer: Yeah, I think so...6:30 Server time

her: (sigh) I've bought a little gift for you...a nice cigarette case

Programmer: Is it a 'Upper Case' or a 'Lower Case'???

her: (very angry now) what's wrong with you? Can't you ever be normal?

Programmer: I personally don't like normal datatypes...takes up a lot of space in the memory. I would go with an integer or an array

click....beep....beeeep..beeeep(sound of phone being disconnected)

All said and done, you can't blame these guys. You have to be patient with them and understand them. In my 5 years of experience, I've known programmers to be the most earnest and sweetest of people. I mean...no office politics, no back-biting etc. Just pure tech-talk all the time.

Think I've written enough now...need to get back to my terminal and create a generic function which can convert string datatypes to integer variables and insert them in the database and create a GUID for them. No....better...think I'll head to the bar for a 'Old Monk ka quarter'

See ya later

Weekend in Murud

For all of you who missed me and were trying to trace me this weekend( i.e. Satya, from whom I had borrowed 500 bucks and promised to return it in the weekend, the telemarketing guys from Hutch-Orange), I had been to Murud-Janjira for a weekend trip.

Well, it was loads of fun. We were around 20 of us on bikes. Yes, bikes!!!...all the way from mumbai. We all met at 5:00 on saturday morning near matunga. I was riding my Yamaha 800cc imported japanese bike...(haha..kidding..I don't have a bike.)..I was riding pillion with Sanjoy who must have been a tortoise in his 'pichla Janam'.'Slow and steady wins the race' is his motto. Well, slow and steady we definitely were, but, we never won the race. Actually, when we started riding, and the milkman on his bicycle zipped past us, the thought that we might reach our destination when the rest of the gang is ready to return back crossed my mind. Well, you can't blame Sanjoy, he was a tortoise in his last life, u know.

Well, anyways, we were on our way, and until Sanjoy didn't confuse an oncoming truck with a petrol pump and drive straight into it, I was fine. Well, that's what I thought, until sanjoy, at an intersection took the wrong road and drove right onto the pune expressway. For the dummies, The expressway is only for cars and has a minimum speed limit of 60 kmph. As we rode on, we started feeling that something's wrong when cars started zipping past us and people in the cars pointing and laughing at us. We stopped and called Martin .
Now let me tell you something about Martin. Martin is a bike freak who thinks driving below 60 kmph is sin. He fills 'Speed' fuel in his bike and drives like he has to justify it. He knows all the roads that leads to anywhere, and thinks that anyone who doesn't know his roads well is an f****** idiot.

And that's excatly what he told us when we called him. Now we had to go back down the expressway and on the wrong side of the road!!!. I was praying all the time that we aren't hit by a sleepy driver who seeing us, would have thought that it was a halucination that he was seeing a bike on the expressway comming towards him, and tried to drive right through the alucination to prove to himself that it was a halucination.

Well, nothing like that happened, and we were back on the correct road. I was feeling very positive and happy riding on towards the sunrise and wanted to shout "yoooohooooo" at the top of my voice, but considering the speed at which Sanjoy was riding (12.5 kmph) it didn't seem appropriate. Villagers overtaking us on their bullock - carts would have though I was crazy.
(I am hoping Sanjoy doesn't read my blog).

Well, anyways, we reached Murud at noon after a couple of stops in between. The 25-30 kms of road from Alibaug to Murud was breathtaking. We were on a mountanious road, where we could see the sea and white sandy beaches below us. Believe me, I could drive all the way back to that road (even with Sanjoy) just for that single view. We finally reached our hotel dumped our bags, had a quick shower and went out to lunch.

After lunch, we rode another 1.5 kms to a jetty point where a boat would take us to the Janjira fort. Sanjoy(being the lazy tortoise that he is) and Aatsi preferred to stay back in the hotel. Janjira is an old fort in the middle of the sea which can be accessed only during a low tide. A guide took us around the fort showing us points like... where the King used to hold his court, the storage area where weapons and ammunition were stocked, the watchpoints where soldiers used to keep watch over the sea for enemy ships. We also came across a 'surang' which goes right under the ocean into a shoreside village..Wow!! We also saw cannons which had firing ranges of 2.5 to 4 kms. 4 kms!!!! can you believe that??? Our hotel in Murud even wasn't that
far!!. Just a fleeting though crossed my mind that if these cannons were working, I could have fired it and surprised Sanjoy sleeping in the hotel room. But I quickly erased these thoughts from my mind before anybody caught a glimpse of the wicked smile on my face.
According to the guide, around 500 families lived in that fort which was around 20 hectares in area. There was a small school, a mosque, 1 sweet water lake, 2 wells in that fort. Imagine all this in the middle of the ocean!!!.
I came back thinking how damn smart those guys must have been.

Evening came and we headed for the beach. We took along with us a football, a cricket bat, cricket ball and stumps to the beach, all borrowed from the hotel. At this point we would never have known that we would forget the football back on the beach and have to pay 400 bucks for it....if only we could see into the future. Me, Ivan and Nishant kicked the football around for some time and then got bored and headed for the water (actually our feet were all red from kicking the football and it was hurting like hell...but nobody was ready to accept it).

Swimming in the sea waves at sunset with the orange sun about to dive into the ocean is something that I cannot explain. You gotta do it and see it to know it. The sight of the sun setting was so beautiful and overpowering that I forgot about swimming for a while and just stared until a wave came and took me under and I came up with a mouthful of sea water and my eyes as red as the setting sun.... A thought crossed my mind that I should come down and settle here in Murud (a couple of beers I had had during lunch was also helping me with this thought process). By this time, I had half swimmed-half waded into the sea where the water was reaching till my chin and I could hear my friends back at the shore shouting and waving at me.

Having seen similar sequences on AXN shows, I thought those guys were warning me about a shark until I realised that I wasn't a hot looking guy on an AXN show(who generally get attacked by sharks) and there aren't any sharks in this part of the ocean (Damn those beers and damn those shows on AXN).

Back at the beach, we used the cricket stumps to write our names on the wet sand. We also wrote some pretty nasty stuff about people we don't like (beer helping here again).

It was dark when we reached our hotel rooms and had a shower again. The bathroom floor after the shower looked like we brought half the sand from the beach with us. Went out for dinner (i.e lots of vodka and some chicken starters to go with the drink) and went back to the beach again for a walk. Was feeling really 'nice' now. Realised everybody was feeling the same when my friend sunny came to me and said 'I love kingfisher strong'.
Came back to the hotel, where some of the guys had already crashed, and some of us(me, Nitin, Aatsi and Sanjoy) went to the hotel terrace and sat there talking and watching through the tress the white waves hit the beach. Aatsi kept checking whether the guys walking on the road below had shadows or not, as she believes that ghosts dont have shadows.

This trip was getting to be really good. Was enjoying every moment of it. And to think that I had actually refused to go when the idea had initially come up.

Finally crashed at 2:00 and woke up at 9:00 around the next morning. Breakfast at 10:00 and ready for our ride back at 11:00. Stopped at another beach on the way back and spent some time there. Somebody came up with the idea that we should take our bikes onto the beach. Ashish was the first and his bike got stuck in the sand. Had to be pulled out by 5 of us.

We decided that on the way back, we wouldn't ride all the way back but take a ferry ride back to Mumbai. So we rode fast and furious(except sanjoy) to the jetty point which was 1.5 hours away. Our bikes were hauled onto the ferry and we were on our way back to mumbai. Sea-gulls (around 50 of them) follwed ourferry and as people threw biscuits and stuff at them, caught

them in mid-air. Quite a sight. Reached Bombay by 5:00 in the evening. We all said our goodbyes and as Sanjoy had promised to drop me at Kurla Stn, we headed towards kurla. Felt fuckall when we hit the streets of mumbai and we were hit by all the traffic, smoke and noise, not to mention the traffic signals stopping us every 2 mins. Reached kurla and caught a train to ambernath.

It was great fun while it lasted and I am looking forward to doing it more often.
Well..All I can say is.....What a 'trip'!!!

Trains and Sourav ganguly

Cricket, politics are the most discussed topics in the first class compartments of local trains in mumbai (anybody traveling by second class is not in a position to discuss anything, because the guy next to him is so close that he might end up kissing him if he tries to talk)other than discussions which go like

"Boss....age chalo"

"aage jagah nahi hai...kidhar jayega...c******"


"c******* kisko bola be....m********"

"abe!!! tera baap m********"


Anyways, coming back to cricket, politics...there is always a danger of you being dragged into the debate if you aren't careful enough. You have to pretend that you didn't hear anything to be kept out of the raging debate. Typically discussions go like this

a: "Woh Ganguly toh c******* hai...khelne ko aata nahi...influence ke dam pe team mein tika hua hai"

(you: groan!!)

b: "usko bithana mangta hai....phir samajh mein aayega"

c: "pura team ko gadhe pe bithake ghumana chahiye"

By now you will have realised that these guys possess an average IQ of 10-20 out of 100.

a: "Kal ke match mein pathan ko opening ke liye kyun bheja"

c: "wahi toh...usko bhi gadhe pe bithake ghumana chahiye"

a: (looking towards you) "kyun bhaisaab, sahi kaha na meine?"

Now, this is a very decisive moment. Whatever you say will deciede the course of your mental peace for the rest of your journey. The ideal response now would be a very non-committal "hmmm", avoiding all eye contact and getting back to reading your newspaper.
But, God forbid, if you say something like "Aur ek match hone ke baad decide karna chahiye". You have had it!!...I mean "you have had it!!" for the next half an hour you are forced into listening endless tales about how ganguly screwed up a match,
about how is he is high - handed, how he took of his shirt, "sala, bahut akdu hai" etc...etc. You sit there, hoping you get to your station before your ears start to bleed.

Another peculiar topic which I generally hear talked about in trains is....'Train timings'. I know it sounds weird, but I have seen (heard actually) a lot men in the age group of 35-45 spending hours talking about which train leaves after which and when it will reach Dadar, CST or wherever.

"Aaj 7:35 ka CST fast late nikala hai"

"Usko sahyadri ke piche choda hai na...iskeliye"

"Kalyan ke signal pe rukayega...saala, hamesha ka natak hai"

These guys are very proud of their know-how and flaunt it like it's a thesis on 'Nuclear Alpha sub-atomic fusion' (do not search this term in Google as I just made it up). I think half their memory and intelligence is occupied in memorizing train timings and where the 'railway ke harami' stop the trains at signals

Anyways, think I have written enough for today. Have to catch the 7:45 local at Dadar before it gets ahead of the Sahyadri .